Legerdemain's existence (emmowyn) wrote,
Legerdemain's existence

don't need nobody

i had big plans to return from work, change into comfortable clothes and indulge in a large glass of port. i finished the dishes that SBM left for me, poured a glass of wine, took a much-needed sip, and took 1, 2, 3 steps towards the stairs that would take me to the bedroom that houses my comfort-clothes. my cell phone rang. it was our dear SBM asking if i wanted to ride down the bookstore and pick up the books that he had ordered for me the week before (as part of a valentine's gift). sure. i stayed dressed, i placed my glass of wine in the fridge and i waited for him to arrive.


he offered me kisses and asked how my day had gone; i became very emotional at the re-telling of my toothbrush's suicide. i talked about the silliness that had happened during work; the five-minute phone call that was a thorn in my side for the entire day. his day and week had been rather uneventful. i told him that i had received a phone call from the insurance field agent regarding the estimate to repair my baby; the $6,430.06 estimate. the estimate that made my heart stop. my deductible is $500... but... my car has to go into major surgery. i wondered (then, and wonder now) if she would ever be the same, or is this an effective automotive lobotomy?

SBM brought up the issue of the pickup truck that i was looking at. he stated that he "doesn't think that it's the right car for" me, that he "be responsible for any repairs that cropped up" and he didn't think that i "would want that kind of responsibility". i stated that i wanted a vehicle that is heavier than my Matrix, something that has larger, grumpy tires and would be more sensible to drive in the snow. he told me that he wanted to buy it for himself and that he would let me drive it in inclement weather. i reminded him that i never really commissioned him to work on my car for me. in years past, we have done oil changes on my car, he has shown me how to remove and replace my tires and de-glaze my brakes. i would have done it myself, but i did not know how; NOW I DO.

i was so angry, that tears immediately sprang to my eyes. i told him that he would not be responsible for the maintenance, and that i didn't require him to do anything. he brought up a situation that occurred a month ago:

i was driving to his house from school. my brakes were squeaking. upon my arrival, i asked him if he could take few minutes over the weekend and check my breaks to see if there was a problem with them. we had not received any snow or ice yet, but i knew the coming weeks would bring such weather. he refused. he told me to wait until i had my car inspected (march). i explained that i was uneasy about driving in inclement conditions if my brakes are not up to par. he suggested that i get my car inspected that weekend; i did not have my new registration or sticker. he then suggested that i pay an additional $60 to get those straight-away.

i am still fuming about this. in his defense, i did not realize that "checking" my breaks is just as tedious as replacing them. however, when he refused to even look at them, it fell right into my theory that he doesn't care about me, i am only a *convienience* to him, and he cannot be bothered to remedy my vehicular maladies because i rank well below the cat on his list of important people.

my anger was only due in part to SBM wanting to buy the truck; i was mostly angry because he didn't even want to be bothered with putting me in a safe vehicle; he assumed that i would force him to rescue me from car trouble. and to be completely truthful, i was insanely jealous of the fact that he was MORE THAN WILLING to fix femaleicannotstand's car on a weekly basis, but he would not extend any courtesy of that kind to me. worse yet, he and i live together, he has stated that he wants to marry me... but he is/has been only friends with this girl. what gives?

that's why i was angry. my rage due in full to the fact that i am absolutely nothing to this man.

and now i can't sleep. thank you.
Tags: beside myself, daily drag, scrumptious bearded man/hero
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